How to Be a Guest

20 ways to get invited back.

Sep 13, 2023

A few months ago I wrote a newsletter called “How to Make Guests Feel at Home,” which was all about hospitality. I promised to compile recommendations for guest behavior, and here they are.

I am specifically meaning “overnight guest,” although these could be applied to any length of stay.

I’d love to hear your thoughts plus other suggestions for this list.

Bring a small gift, especially something you know your host uses and loves. Perhaps something homemade? A package of biscotti? A soup mix in a jar? A loaf of bread, a bottle of wine, flowers. One idea is a specialty food from your part of the world—recent visitors from DC brought us a jar of their famous barbecue sauce.

Try to bring a gift that is not a burden to your host. Another Christmas sweatshirt is a burden. Anything plastic is a burden to the world. A subscriber said, “A friend of mine often brings me pretty kitchen towels when she visits—she knows I don't use paper towels and that new kitchen towels are especially useful.”
My advice is to make your gift biodegradable or edible.
Either have a thank-you note prepared for when you leave or send one within the next few days.
Do not expect to be entertained.
Do not expect the hosts to give up their routines because you are visiting.
Do not make a mess.
Help your hosts with any chores or daily activities. I do not believe that being a guest in someone’s home means they serve you for the duration of your visit. However, I’ve found that some hosts truly do not want others helping in the kitchen.
Just help. Do not ask, “How many I help?” Look for ways that you can help. Even with chores where the host really seems to not want help (usually this is washing dishes), I will often say something like, “Okay, I hear you about wanting to do the dishes yourself. I’ll clear the table and help put things away.” (And if you are a person who wants control of the sink and dishwasher, LOL, consider letting others help.)
If you are visiting for a number of days, and your host is preparing meals for you, take your host out to eat a nice dinner.
If you are visiting for a number of days, make yourself scarce sometimes. Even if you don’t have a car, you can take walks around the neighborhood or go spend time alone in your bedroom.
Find out how your host wants the bed dealt with when you’re leaving. Ask if you should strip the bed before doing it on your own. (This was backed up with a suggestion from
Kate Van Cantfort
, “Guests should always ask about stripping the beds and not just do it on their own.” Sometimes the host doesn’t want the bed stripped. However, even if I am not supposed to strip the bed, I “pull it straight.” I don’t want my host to walk in after I’ve departed and associate me with a messy guest room.
Kate also said this: “I will consolidate my trash.” If multiple trash cans are in the room or the suite, empty all of them into one. That means your host deals with one trash can, not multiple. (I do this too.)
Definitely don't leave the room messy and don’t leave trash strewn about.
Put things back where you found them.
Acknowledge special efforts on the part of your host. Gush over them.
Come prepared with things you need, just in case.
Brandy Collins of
Brandy’s Substack
said, “When I'm a guest, I have learned to ask for things I need and to make myself at home a little (this is very hard for me, but a host shouldn't be expected to read my mind).”
When Laura Thompson visited us a few months ago, after she left she created a piece of art inspired by her visit to us. That was a beautiful gesture.
When Sheryl St. Germain visited not long ago, she dug up a gardenia bush from her yard and brought it because she had an extra, and she knew that I didn’t have one.
Try not to break or spill anything, and definitely fess up if you do. (Knocking on wood.)

Remember, please let me know in the comments your thoughts and additions.

Trackless Wild with Janisse Ray

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